I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
