im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
