does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
