I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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