I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
