I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
