So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
