bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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