Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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