fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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