they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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