I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
