How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
