his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize