I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
