How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
