I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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