Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
