so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I checked into jail on foursquare
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize