apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
