I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
