the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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