It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
