a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
