your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
