it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
