We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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