i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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