my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize