Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
