did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
