why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
