I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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