my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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