Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
