ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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