Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
