I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
