Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize