if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
