I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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