Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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