I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
