I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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