party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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