I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
