I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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