I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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