My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
