that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
