she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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