i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
