Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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