My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
