I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He kissed a someone with a penis
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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