If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
