So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
