if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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