I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's blow job season.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
