don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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