Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
