saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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