I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
