The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
