On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
