Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just gargled with NyQuil
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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